Green Card Dance

I am on the verge of getting my green card. This means at this moment, I am willing to do anything USCIS asks me to do. Dance in my undies on a table in a crowded beer hall? Sure! Anything you say. And they have asked me to do some pretty important things.

It turned out that on one of my countless applications my lawyers had filled out, there was a question of whether I had any prior names. Of course this is important. What if my prior name was Osama Bin Laden? Wouldn't any government want to know? And wouldn't I tell them. After all, I am willing to dance semi naked in public, ain't I? The lawyers, in their wisdom had written, "N/A" to the prior name question. Which sounds fair enough to me. But the shrewed diplomats in USCIS kindly reviewing my form, immidiately smelled a rat. "He says "N/A" ? Not applicable? Who is he to decide whether something is applicable to him or not? And what if his earlier name was Osama Bin Laden? Wouldn't he try to dodge the question, by pretending it is not applicable to him? eh?" So they mulled, looked at each other with suspecious, narrowed eyes. After much deliberation they said that they need more information.

It turns out that the answer they were looking for was "NONE". If you did not have any prior names, you write "NONE" all capital, not N/A and not "I triple swear I did not have any prior names, and even if I did it was not..." No. You write "NONE" like a good boy. Which makes me wonder, what if someone's earlier name was None? Maybe that's not a big problem, but what if his name was N/A? Well, then any amount of dancing isn't going help him, is it? And maybe that's why we don't see any legal immigrants with those names.

What bugs me is that the lawyers are supposed to know these things. If you charge to the tune of hundreds of dollars per form, they better know! I bet that they charge by the hour, and each letter they costs you a few quarters! They are trained to think like the beurocrats. If you are not as smart as those who approve the forms, you should not getting paid as highly as they do.

Anyway the same lawyers magnanimously agreed to not charge me for that piece of paperwork. And they sent out remedial paperwork, that says, "No, really, I triple swear I did not have any other name" - only translated in legalese. I need to go in front of a Notary, and prove to him that I am "None" other than myself, and sign the document saying so. The Notary will attest and apply his seal of approval with all the mighty power vested in him by the state of California, that I said those things.

There is no mention of dancing in front of the Notary, but I am going prepared with my red dotted underwear.